This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Ren
by thorn garmadon
Summary: a silly short fic where Hux and Kylo are captured by the Resistance after Kylo's short-lived and failed attempt to go on vacation with his evil space husband. Phasma should probably get paid for babysitting the evil space boyfriends lmao


_Bubba: OK so this is from my AO3 under my username Bubbaknowlton which y'all should totally check out for my other fics lmao :^)_  
 _this is pretty silly and self-indulgent but people liked it on AO3 so I though I would share it w/ u guys._  
 _things u need to know: hux and kylo are married in this, they killed snoke but hux is pretending to be giving out orders from him, they've only been captured for like 4 days everyone in star wars is so dramatic, and I'm 90% sure hux thinks sith and knights are the same or just doesn't care that they're different  
also it's?not letting me put dashes between the scene changes? so I have to put .- ? I write in fragments so that's not fun  
_

* * *

 **This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Ren**

No matter what, Hux was not going to tell them anything. He wouldn't be a traitor. No matter how much they pressed him for coordinates of bases, for battle strategies, for future plans, for the location of the back-up Starkiller, he remained silent or gave answers that weren't answers at all.

Where was the second super weapon? -Oh it's somewhere out there, waiting for orders.

What were the coordinates to the Supreme Leader? - Ren is the only one who knows that, I've never been there myself.

Whenever he mentioned Kylo Ren having an answer, the Resistance soldiers would scowl. Hux had faith that the knight had remained silent the whole time, throwing away anyone that came near. He knew they were waiting for him to drive himself crazy in the cell, to finally crack and reveal everything. They'd tried to bargain with him, saying they wouldn't give him a death sentence if he just helped.

Hux rightly knew that if he talked he'd deserve to die, the Order would brand him a traitor and hunt him down to kill him as an example. He'd rather die at the hands of the Resistance as a loyal General to the end than die a traitor.

He wasn't prepared for the question that the Resistance pilot who helped to cause FN-2187 to defect asked. "What's your relationship with Kylo Ren outside of work?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I thought you'd be bored of not answering normal questions. How about we get to know each other. Here, let's start with this: got a lover? I have two."

"Do yours happen to know about the other?" Hux asked dryly.

Poe laughed. "Yeah, we're a happy trio. Me, Finn, and Rey! Or you'd know them better as FN-2187 and the scavenger."

Hux didn't allow any expression on his face. He just blankly looked at Poe. The pilot shrugged. "Let's restart. What's the deal with you and Kylo Ren?"

"We're co-workers and both have command over the _Finalizer_."

"Seems to me like it's more than that. He keeps demanding to see you, and throws a fit whenever we say no. He's threatened to slaughter us if we hurt you at all."

"If anything he wants the pleasure of killing me himself if I ever talk. It's a mutual feeling, you see."

Poe finally got somewhat of an answer. "Ah, so you hate each other?"

"We're rivals that absolutely despise each other." The ginger's answer was short and quick. At least Poe was getting real answers, not some sly jeer. All he had to do was get the General to loosen up a bit. He didn't need to try and get military information, just personal tidbits that would make it easier in the long run. Maybe make it easier to deal with Ren.

"Is he annoying or something?"

"He's childish and throws tantrums, destroying expensive machinery over anything. I could go on but I don't think ranting to the enemy will do me any good. I suppose you already know about his tantrums anyhow." Hux waved his hand in dismissal.

Poe pressed further. "He's practically begged to see you, why would he want to see someone he hates?"

"Ren is a strange fool with strange ways of thinking. Maybe he believes I can think of a plan for him to execute to get us out of here." Here was where he would start touching on something close to a plan only to be just fooling his interrogators, so Poe just ignored that last part.

"Well I heard General Organa is leaning towards just sticking him in here with you so he'll stop destroying everything in his cell and injuring the guards she sends in." He shrugged casually. That wasn't true, she hadn't said anything, but Hux wouldn't know.

Hux didn't show any reaction to that, his words still cold. "Is that so? You'll only succeed in driving one of us to suicide or to homicide, whichever comes first. However I doubt she'll pull through with that. Doesn't she want to isolate her precious little boy to try and turn him to the light? Putting Ren near me would keep him rooted to the dark."

Poe's eyes widened, "You-"

"What? Know General Organa's big 'secret'?" Hux smirked, "That her son is the notorious Kylo Ren, murderer and dark magic wielder, and biggest brat this galaxy has ever seen? Oh, I know much more than that. Ren has quite a loose tongue at times, and of course I view the backgrounds of all high ranking officers. Best tell her that her precious _Ben Solo_ is no more and can't be recalled, he was slaughtered by _my_ Lord Ren."

"Yours?"

"Yes, I see word hasn't gotten out yet. Say, have you ever heard of the Sith's rule of two?" Hux leaned forward, eyes flashing knowingly. Poe suddenly felt nervous. What kind of stare was this?

"N-no..." That was a lie, he knew of it.

"In Sith law, there can only ever be two, a master and apprentice. In Ren's case, he was the apprentice, and Leader Snoke was the master." He used light emphasis on the word 'was', just barely, but enough for Poe to notice. "But now Ren is a true master of the dark side, he has upheld the tradition of being promoted to the next level by killing his own master."

"He killed Snoke."

"Oh yes, but try not to let that get out, will you? The First Order doesn't need dramatics, it has been the most efficient in years without Snoke's petty guidance. If you don't believe me, ask Ren, I'm sure he'll talk to you. He's been listening this whole time, he knows you won't try anything."

Poe left, and headed straight to the cell that Kylo was detained in. He needed this to be confirmed. If it was true, he could tell General Organa and they could use that information. However, when he finally stumbled out of Ren's cell, he couldn't even remember what he had even asked the knight. He didn't even remember going in there at all. He had blinked and found himself sitting in front of Kylo Ren, who stared at him before giving him a short farewell of 'nice talk, bye'. Poe stumbled out of the room, terribly confused.

When Leia asked him about the meetings, she was deeply concerned when he said he couldn't remember the last hour of his life at all. Immediately she knew that Kylo had wiped those memories with the force. Maybe it was time for her to confront them both to find out more. She ordered guards to have the both of them moved to a single new cell.

.-

At first Leia had them put together and watched through the security camera to see how they acted. Hux had moved first, easily, although he frowned a bit upon hearing that Kylo Ren would be joining him shortly. The knight had also been surprisingly easy to transfer, once he heard he was finally being allowed to see Hux like he kept begging he became rather docile. Once the door was shut and bolted behind him Kylo stepped up far too close to Hux and grabbed the front of his uniform.

"Did they hurt you?"

"No, and you know that since you've been rooted so deep in my head since we've gotten here. How about you?"

"They wouldn't even speak to me save for the pilot." Kylo didn't loosen his grip.

Hux didn't fight back against it. "Well who would want to speak to a mad magician?"

"You would." Kylo released him. Silence fell between them until Hux scoffed and went to stand by the wall. "Hux." The ginger looked up at him. "What's your plan for getting out of here?"

"I don't have one. But you could just go berserk and then we'd grab a ship and fly back home. Or we could wait until Phasma comes to rescue me and blows this base to bits."

"How long until she arrives?"

"You didn't exactly give her a set time for our return when you dragged me off. I recall you saying 'see you in a week or two bye Phasma'," he imitated Kylo poorly, "...and it's only been four days. Her knowing you, she likely won't even think to come looking for me for another two and a half weeks." Kylo scowled at that. Hux frowned and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. "Don't get angry at her, this is all your fault. If you hadn't acted so selfishly and dragged me away from my work than we wouldn't be prisoners on the Resistance base."

"I just-"

"Just _what_ , Ren? If you wanted a vacation _this_ badly then you should have waited until we could have arranged something with set dates."

"As if you'd ever agree to that..."

"I'm busy!"

"You never have time for me, what else could I do?! Dragging you out is the only thing I could think of!"

"You selfish idiot! We have an empire to run, personal matters are irrelevant! When did you suddenly learn to tolerate me? Go back to hating me! I don't have time to cater to your petty wants and I'm not going to bother making time for you either!"

"You-!" Kylo clenched his fists. "You fucking-"

"What, Ren? What are you trying to say? They're listening to us so just shut up and don't start blubbering." Kylo grit his teeth. Hux crossed his arms, glaring at the knight. "Don't throw a fucking tantrum either, you child. It's your fault we're in this mess so don't try blaming me."

Kylo was shaking by now. Hux didn't stop glaring, and rolled his eyes as the knight turned and punched the wall, giving a roar. Kylo pulled back his hand, instantly regretting the action. He growled and then turned to slump against the wall. He sank down to the floor, bringing up his knees and hugging them to his chest. Hux relented and walked over to him. He nudged him with his foot. "Oh, don't you dare start crying, Ren. You got us into this mess, the only one who's allowed to start crying is me and I'm not going to."

"Why are you so mean to me? I wanted to do something nice..."

Hux kicked him a little more harshly. "Yes! Being captured by the enemy is so _nice_ of you, Ren, _thank you_! Of course I'm being mean, we're captured by the bloody Resistance! It's irritating!"

"Well then what do you want?"

"I _want_ to be _back on my ship_ , doing _work_ , and to be _with my cat._ That's _all_ I ask for. Can you do that for me?"

"...No."

"Then of course I'm going to be fucking upset, Ren! Kriff!" The redhead gave him another kick and went back to the other side of the cell. He sat down on the floor, crossing his arms.

.-

Hux had never felt so grateful before in his life when there was the sound of a firefight an hour later, ships landing, and then the opening of a door approximately ten minutes after the first shot. He kept his expression neutral as Phasma stepped into the cell, with two troopers behind her. In all honesty, he felt like hugging her. But that would be unprofessional and would ruin his reputation, so he refrained from doing so. Kylo stood up from his place against the wall, still sulking.

"Are you alright, sirs?"

"Yes, Captain. Thank you."

"When you didn't contact me after a day to complain about Lord Ren I ordered a search, sir, I hope you don't mind I acted without orders."

"Of course not. Just be sure to wait for more concrete evidence of capture before issuing a mission in the future. Ren does have a tracker in his belt still, after all, and you have the frequency channel." With that, Kylo looked betrayed, and his hands flew to his belt. A protest died in his throat as Phasma turned to lead them out of the base. The knight scowled, but followed them regardless.

* * *

 _Bubba: what probably happens after this: Phasma laughs for 3 days when she hears the story of how they were captured literal hours after leaving, Kylo burns all of his belts because he's sick of Hux putting trackers in them, and Hux hugs Millicent until she scratches him so she can have food. Mitaka has fed her once in 4 days._


End file.
